Twenty Years Time
After I changed my youngest into his pajamas last night, we proceeded to join my oldest in a round of legos, I was unusually quiet. So quiet that my two-year old asked me to start talking to his younger brother. “Momma, talk to Trev-Trev”, he said. He’s intuitive in that way. He could tell I was deep in thought. Good thoughts. I was thinking about my mom, Aida. I was wondering if she enjoyed moments like we were having. Legos. Pajama snuggles. Good night hugs and kisses. Heart warming moments. Listening to my sons babble back and forth with each other. Giggles to no end. Watching my youngest give his big brother a hug with a smile, as wide as river, on his face. Remembering a hug can say it all.
That’s the most obvious answer.
Of course, she loved those moments.
I was thinking about her because this day marks when the Lord took her home to be with Jesus forever. In fact, it marks 20 years. It seems like such a long time. Big number. 20. Seems significant and surreal. Twenty. Much of my life feels surreal.
Now I do the things she did well and loved. Staying home to raise our boys. Playing with them. Having fun in the kitchen with them. Tousling their hair. Tickling their back.
20 years is long time to miss someone. It feels like I’ve lived two different lives. Of which I do. Two different childhoods. Two different beliefs of god. Here’s the silver lining: the Lord is good. Because missing her now, doesn’t hurt. It makes me thankful for what the Lord gave me. How he filled the voids in my heart thereafter with Himself, the promise of His scriptures, people, and the life He has given me. How could I ever be angry at a God who has blessed me beyond measure; beyond what I deserve? Just because of one thing in my life? Now that would be silly.
William is great at being sensitive to what I’m feeling. He asked me how I was doing as mothers day was approaching. I told him I was so thankful for the 12 years we had together. Better to have had 12 fabulous years than 50 mediocre years. Thank you Lord for 12 wonderful years.